... / 2022/ december_total entries: 01

entry #001: the first and last entry of the year everything imploded


There is no definitive way to describe the way 2022 has sucked. It has sucked in every way imaginable. Think of science fiction levels of villainy, it has probably happened this year and ruined lives. Because I can't even begin to describe what happened to everyone else, I don't think this first, and very depressing, blog entry will look outward. Today we delve inside, towards the hollows of the self instead of the consistently disenchanting exterior. My year can be summarized by one theme: constant fucking movement. I'm getting real tired of not having a place to stay, a proper job, and so on. In fact it made me so sick I forgot it was happening and now I've devolved into not caring about it at all.

December was much less fucked up than November, so cheers to that. It's been a real nice relaxing week during which I ran out of time to worry, I will be making up for that next year. My mum gave me a real nice gift for Christmas which we don't celebrate ever, but I guess this year we did. It's a non-portable CD player with two speakers in hot pink. I cannot lie, it is the single most cool piece of tech I own and I have the Samsung A200K Nori F in orange. I am running my CDs through it and I think the Britney Spears' single Sometimes is incredibly fitting. There are little stickers all over the thing and I am feeling divided. They are quite ugly but were likely tacked on by a small child who was really happy with themselves. Feels like a waste to destroy that. I will think about it.

Above are some of the CDs I got at a second hand store earlier this month, feels like years ago now while February 2022 feels like yesterday. What the fuck is going on? 

I've been binging cartoons this month too. My 1000th re-watch of Motorcity was amazing as expected. I'm partaking in a bit of communal activity in the fandom via Discord these days. I've even done fan art. I repeat, what the fuck is going on? Anyway, I really love this show, every time I come back its like a party. Sadly, I didn't do anything for its 10 year anniversary this year on account of the ...ehm, war.

I also watched Detentionaire, a show which I tried to watch when I was a kid but apparently flash-animation was too low-brow for 12 year old me. What a prick. Anyway, I miss flash, the way it was done in Canada at least, kind of unhinged but full of character. Detentionaire was awesome and the cliffhanger ending is painful, will we ever know the actual depths of the mystery?

Now I'm trying to marathon Daria, another half-finished show of past me. Started Andor as well, I'm about 4 episodes in and don't kill me, but it's pretty boring and not nearly as cool as I thought it was gonna be.

In other news... I was never really active on Tumblr, and I'm still not but I'm kind of posting there and even...messaging people sometimes. Bizarre. It was all because of fucking DeviantArt being complete scum with their stupid AI "art" generators that you have to write a dumb-ass email to actually opt out of. Don't even get me started on Art Station! I have a private Tumblr blog for file hosting now.

I kind of started this entry to archive what happened to me as of late, but I don't think that's totally possible. Then I thought I'd have something profound to say but the truth is, I don't. Every fucking thing is super discouraging. You're not imagining it, or maybe we all are? Like a mass pessimist illusion? I don't think that's the case, I think we've just entered a new terrain of normalizing horror and hopelessness as a people. Look, I can't give anyone an out, my out doesn't work for most people. I believe that because everything is temporary, it has no worth, and if something is eternal, it is solitary, and also has no worth. But having worth is kind of a stupid notion in itself. What does it mean? Do we have to be worth something to everyone universally? Or do we just assign worth the way we like and that's that? Well, I doubt any answer, so all things to me are of equal value unless I give it personal worth, I stay aware of the bias. Our jobs, our works, our lives. None of it is actually important. Which is why you should hang on to literally anything that makes you happy and doesn't hurt others or yourself, that's probably the only freedom we are given. I've really embraced hedonism this year.

I am surviving on nostalgia. Its honestly kind of unhealthy, but it acts as a tool at the same time. This year, Ive got so much done. That’s crazy because its barely a metaphorical handful, but 2020-2021 were so shit for me that this year felt like a real achievement. Do you get what I mean about value? I'm a real nobody to most people. But I kind of like that, that I get to be on my own. I made it, that's pretty good, right? And I guess you made it too.