... / 2023/ january_total entries: 02

entry #002: barely going, mostly stopping


I'm back. Time is slipping away. I'm getting real busy with some house-related stuff, we are slowly carving out a place to live without paying rent, and if that's not a sweet deal, I don't know what is. But it's gonna take a while and it's not gonna be pretty. My mum has her own house now, it's a tiny thing, it's real ugly right now but fixing stuff up and doing it ourselves is kind of our specialty. I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself, I'm just trying to get everyone else through it. 23 and I still live with my mum? I know, I'm a bum.

We went to IKEA as well and I can't believe I'm saying this but it's starting to lose its magic. I have a bit of an IKEA problem, it brought me much joy in the past. I think the magazines were my favourite thing, glossy or beat-up, new anyway. Now that's gone. I love the internet, and I hate its commercial side. Petty, boring, and scummy.

I myself became submerged in style-no-substance stuff recently. Y2K has ruined me, its all I wanna see these days. I can't turn it off so I'm trying to get it out. I've got plans for Fairyary this year with my own prompt list and everything. I always get sidetracked by these supposedly simple projects that become way to big. Its kind of fun, but what am I doing? 

The listening list is becoming saturated by 90s alt rock: Local H, Tonic, Our Lady Peace, Failure. This is probably going to make it into one of those silly little articles I put together on the site. There's gonna be a whole lot of changes when I learn a thing or two that I don't even know I need to know. Yeah, I'm thinking to finally move forward with JavaScript though I'm doing everything to put if off. Typical stupid brain.

Archiving. It feels like I'm making and saving and both of the things are clashing. Who am I really keeping all this for? A total stranger? Future sociologists? I think the best thing is that I'm never gonna find out. Its a little scary to imagine yourself disappearing, your online presence not being discovered by a single future-citizen, and any trace of you being totally obliterated. I don't like eternal memorialization as much as all of us cringe-ladden individuals but that still sounds a little upsetting. I'm making an attempt and that calms me down. Small, small footnote in history.

Next time I come back here, I hope I actually fix something on the site. So far, half of the place is sinking and poked full of holes. Time to update the un-updateable. Time to actually respond to people. I can't keep hiding behind dumb excuses.

entry #003: house business


I thought I wouldn't talk about the house but there's really no avoiding it now. It has consumed my life, naturally. My last entry has also moved me to think more about why Im even keeping a blog. I'm trying to leave something behind, its kind of what my whole site is about now that I think about it. Its not a real-time, present thing. No one's out here reading it while its happening to me (Except maybe Devon, cheers Devon!). So, it's time to lay it out from the past...

My mum bought a house and I'm at a point in life where I am legally not allowed to look for work and I've got my little remote job going but it makes me almost no money. This house is in a state, or was. Maze-like walls, obscene wallpaper from a Walmart version of Twin Peaks, and leaks, leaks, leaks. As soon as she got the keys, earlier in January, stuff started to get done.

We're real lucky, we got people helping on all sides. We can't live there yet so we've been staying with friends this whole time. A family friend is taking care of the electricity and another friend did the demolition of the really silly walls. I've been relegated to carrying all the debris to the trash, getting rid of the wallpaper, and dismantling things that won't kill anyone if they're removed wrong.  

Bad thing happened on the 18th, my mum was out on Government Assigned Classes™ (long story) and I was on my own there in the morning. I met the insurance agent there who was supposed to take a look at a newly discovered issue and see whether it would be covered by the previous owners, insurance, or not. It was a broken beam, a costly thing and not mentioned in the initial diagnostic. The guy shows up in his neat little winter coat, basic jeans, and shoes more pointy than a fucking wizard's hat. Drops the bomb that the damage will be 5000-6000 euros out of pocket as he pulls out a vape. I don't cry often, but I cry easy, and I'm about to.

I was more worried about my mum. Any obstacle freaks her out so this would have really put her in a bad place. She was in class though, so the guy left and our family friends came over, I'll call them Linda the nice lady and Richard the electrician. Richard explains to me how to turn the whole electrical circuit on, there's one big red and green button, I could have done the math maybe. I'm real down and it seems like he's trying to cheer me up and tells me to tell the lights 'please turn on' as I hit the green button. I do, its the most wobbly, pathetic little 'please turn on' and we've got light now.

The guy who did our demolition stuff, we're gonna call him Nicholas now, destroyed a bunch of walls a couple days before. He's older but a real professional and knocking walls over with a massive hammer. I got to swing it around a bit too, that was awesome. We took the trash out as well, my back felt broken because I haven't moved for six months prior, a real cocoon-ing. He's been busy this past week because his and his wife's donkey passed away. They had two, a daughter and a mother and the mother got sick and died. Then I remembered about a neighbor of our friends who was over for a dinner. His brother died less than a month ago and he got diagnosed with the same cancer that his brother died from. It's late stage.

The truth is, some people are losing a lot. They look like they might be in a good place but they're losing lots. I'm not trying to say their loss or pain makes me feel better, that would be pretty shitty, I just mean that maybe some days I need to realize that I need empathy for others more than sympathy for myself. All we've got is a broken beam and zero money. It can be overcome, so many things can't be.

The lunar new year was a calm little event. We had dumplings, steamed buns, and some soup with friends. I really miss China and I hate the local cup noodles. They're a little pathetic, they've got nothing going for them, loser noodles. There's a lot I miss about China but that's a story for another time. Just know that Kang Shi Fu/Master Kang cup noodles (as pictured above, my favourite flavour of chicken and mushrooms) are called that for a reason.